Tired Teens: Do we talk enough about exhaustion as a tactic of abuse in teenage relationships?

Our Relationship Development Lead, Tina Pearmine, reflects on how boys and young men may use exhaustion as a tactic to control their girlfriend.

I have noticed that more and more young people who are subjected to abuse by a boyfriend (or girlfriend) are discussing the tactics and impact of exhaustion subjected to them.

The DAY Programme utilises the work of sociologist Albert Biderman, to help young people understand what abusive behaviour looks like.  Biderman’s work was focussed on prisoners of war.  Over the years, various domestic abuse services have utilized his work to consider on how an abusive partner’s tactics mirror those used to decimate prisoners of war.  One of these tactics is exhaustion, and within DAY, we describe the abuser as becoming The Exhauster.

For an abusive partner (and an enemy combatant in war), exhaustion is a control tactic used to induce physical and emotional fatigue, which leads to being emotionally drained and extremely fatigued. For previous generations, young people were spared this particular tactic as their boyfriend or girlfriend would not be able to access them at night, except through the family landline phone.  With the emergence of free access to smart phones and other devices, a boyfriend or girlfriend can now much more effectively cause sleep deprivation and employ exhaustion tactics.

For young people, this will impact on their education, being wrongly diagnosed with a physical or mental health problem, or repercussions within educational settings for behavioural or attendance issues.  Being subjected to exhaustion will impact the young person’s health and can lead to isolation from friends, hobbies and family.

Young people are telling me these are the sorts of behaviours they are being subjected to by The Exhauster:

• He makes her stay on Snap/FaceTime times until the early hours at night.

• He pressures her to respond quickly to late-night messages, phone calls or social media responses for fear of repercussions.

• He constantly messages her, leading to her getting constant notifications.

• She has difficulty sleeping due to stressful messages or comments he has sent her at bedtime.

• He makes her stay on video call overnight, and keeps making noises to wake her up and disturb her sleep.

• He demands that she sleeps in ways he wants her to (e.g. not on “his side” of the bed). If she is forced to remain on a video call all night, she will feel unable to move position.

Young people tell me that the effect of this is that they are:

• Exhausted.

• Have difficulties concentrating and remembering.

• Anxious or depressed

• Feeling a loss of self-esteem and self-worth.

• Triggered by notifications on their phone.

• In a constant hypervigilant mode.

• Extremely concerned about their lack of sleep.

• Arguing with friends, family and teachers.

• Feeling jealous and paranoid.

• Failing behind with schoolwork.

• Sometimes refusing to go to school because they are too tired.

Through the DAY Programme and using the Biderman Behaviours with young people, practitioners can support young people to effectively name the emotional and physical behaviours they are being subjected to. Rarely is sleep deprivation and exhaustion recognised as an explicit tactic of abusers and yet, as Lundy Bancroft points out in his landmark book Why Does He Do That?,  sleep deprivation “is a serious form of physical abuse, though it is not often recognised”

Alongside all the other behaviours of an abuser, The Exhauster controls his girlfriend by making it difficult for her to think clearly and to challenge what he is doing.  She will struggle to set healthy boundaries as exhaustion leads her to no longer be able to trust her own judgement; increasing his ability to make her dependent on him and manipulating her to rely more on him for validation.

Within DAY, we also focussed on the non-abusive behaviours of a healthy boyfriend or girlfriend.  When talking about The Exhauster, we would also take time to focus on The Energiser; who encourages us to get enough sleep and rest, energises us and takes responsibility with us to have a good life.

Are you talking about exhaustion in your work with the young people you work with or know?  

CLICK HERE to get booked onto our next DAY Programme training event, so that you are resourced to have meaningful conversations with young people about abuse and how to have healthy relationships.