Gaslight: Has anything really changed?

Tina Pearmine, our DAY Relationship Development Lead, reflects on watching a production of Gaslight and why its message still feels so relevant when working with young people today.

Recently, I went to see a theatre production inspired by the 1944 film Gaslight. As I sat watching, I couldn't help thinking about the young people I work with, if this story were written today, what would be different?

Gaslight is about Paula.  Her husband Gregory slowly manipulates her into questioning herself. He makes her doubt what she sees, hears and even her own memory. Gradually, he makes her confidence disappear and she becomes isolated and starts believing that she is the problem.

The more things change...

This same story is still played out in the relationships of young people, some of whom  have great grandparents who are younger than this play!

In my work with young people, I hear these same behaviours being enacted on phones; via Snapchat, Instagram and WhatsApp, which have given a partner even more ways to monitor, manipulate and control their partners.

Research from the Youth Endowment Fund's 2025 Children, Violence and Vulnerability report found that almost two in five (39%) teenagers aged 13–17 who had been in a relationship during the previous year had been subjected to some form of emotional or physical abuse from a partner. 

Young people (mostly girls) tell me about being pressured (mostly by boys) to share passwords, turn on their location settings and constantly explain where they are and who they're with. Some feel they have to reply to messages immediately and check in throughout the day.

Their partner might say they're worried about them or want to know they're safe. And because young people (and many adults!) see this as a sign of being loved and cared for, it can be difficult to recognise when concern has turned into control.

A young person may have a friend or partner who expects them to stay on FaceTime or a phone call until the early hours of the morning, sometimes falling asleep while still on a call. This leaves them exhausted the next day and affects their school, college, hobbies and time with friends and family (I’ve written about exhaustion tactics HERE).

Young people losing themselves

One of the things that really stayed with me about Gaslight was watching Paula gradually start to doubt herself.

Her husband repeatedly tells her that things haven't happened, that she's imagining things and that she's being unreasonable.

Sadly, I hear very similar things from young people.

They tell me about partners denying conversations ever happened, saying they're imagining things or telling them they're too dramatic, jealous or crazy. They start questioning themselves:

• Was I wrong?

• Is it me?

• Am I making a fuss over nothing?

Before long, they can find themselves apologising for things they haven't done or changing their behaviour to avoid another argument.

That's what makes this kind of abuser so damaging. He slowly chips away at her confidence and her ability to trust her own feelings and judgement.

Young people losing their people

Another thing that struck me about Gaslight was how isolated Paula became. Her world gradually got smaller as her husband undermined her relationships with other people.

Young people tell me about their partner checking their social media, criticising their friends and putting pressure on them to delete people from their accounts, particularly friends of the opposite sex.

They might be criticised for posting pictures of themselves. having fun, enjoying their hobbies or spending time with friends.

Sometimes their partner expects them to spend all their free time together. If they want to see friends, spend time with family or do something independently, it can lead to arguments, accusations or being made to feel guilty.

Over time, young people can find themselves giving up the things and people they enjoy just to keep their partner happy.

In Gaslight, we see Paula's confidence gradually disappear as Gregory’s emotional abuse continues.

Young people share similar experiences with me.

They tell me about receiving messages calling them "ugly", "a slag" or saying they're embarrassing themselves. They're criticised for what they wear, how they look, their makeup and even the photographs they post. Some of the comments they receive include:

• "Why do you dress like that?"

• "You're embarrassing yourself again."

• "You're deliberately hurting me and making me angry."

• "If you cared about me, you wouldn't dress like that."

• "You obviously don't care about me."

  
  

They also tell me about being given the silent treatment for days or even weeks.

They become anxious about everything they do online. Will that post upset him? Will he get angry if I like that picture? Have I done something wrong?

Living like this can have a huge impact on a young person's confidence, self-esteem and mental health.

The Youth Endowment Fund's 2025 research also highlighted the wider mental health challenges facing teenagers. It found that 14% of 13–17-year-olds surveyed had deliberately hurt themselves in the previous year, while 12% had thought about ending their life. These figures relate to teenagers generally, rather than specifically those with an abusive partner, but they remind us just how important it is to look at the bigger picture when supporting young people.

Let's change things!

As I left the theatre I was struck by the reality that while technology might have changed, the story really hasn't.

Perhaps Paula would now be receiving hundreds of WhatsApp messages from Gregory, him demanding she share her location, checking her socials and questioning her about every photo she posts.

Perhaps he’d tell her she was imagining things when she challenged his messages, accusing her of being jealous when she wanted to see her friends or made to feel guilty for not replying quickly enough.

The methods might look different, but the behaviours and their impact are exactly the same.

That's why we need to keep having these conversations with young people. We need to help them understand that possessiveness isn't love, constant monitoring isn't care and controlling what someone wears or who they see isn't a sign of commitment.

Most importantly, we need to help young people recognise what a healthy relationship looks and feels like, and feel confident enough to speak up when something doesn't feel right.

Programmes like the DAY Programme are so important because they help us educate young people about all areas of teenage relationship abuse, recognise the signs and have meaningful conversations that can make a real difference.

If you'd like to find out more about the DAY Programme, read more HERE.

And if you'd like to feel more confident having these important, potentially life-changing conversations with the young people you support, why not book onto our next DAY training event, starting on 23 November 2026. Book HERE.